POSTED Fri. Jan 10, 2014
Wherein I do not trash talk Seattle
Adam Karlin
Written by ADAM KARLIN
SHARE

After the last debacle in CenturyLink Field, I quickly took to social media to express my rage. I can’t remember exactly what I wrote, but it was something along the lines of “Seattle is a miserable crap hole and at least we don’t live there.”

Was that a little mean? Yes. Yes, that’s the damn point. It’s 2014 people, and if we’re gonna project bad juju, might as well slosh it into the ocean of negative vibes that is the internet. A little urban trash talking is pretty benign when you measure it against all the racism, hate and duckface selfies that are already online.

But here’s the thing: I graduated from the University of Washington, Seattle, and thus have many friends and acquaintances from Seattle. And how did they react to my slurs? Did they fire back with their own take downs of New Orleans? Did they rub a 34-7 shellacking of the Saints in my face like so much burning cappuccino from CafĂ© Solstice, which is where I procrastinated on writing half the papers I ever got assigned in college?

No. No, of course not. They are Seattleites, and thus they are polite, accommodating and easily offended. They told me to “Settle down.” They said “wow!” In what may be the lamest but most Pacific Northwest rejoinder of all time, one of these rainy mopes compared the labor laws of Washington and Louisiana.

Face. Palm.

Y’know, there aren’t a lot of nice things I can say about the dog murdering Eagles and their Cro-Magnon fans, but I’m gonna give Eagles nation this: my buddy from South Jersey knows how to trash talk. In the run up to last weekend, we were trading verbal repartee back and forth like a pair of angry sailors. It was crude, violent, abrasive, offensive and wonderful, and if I published half of what we wrote, we’d need to age filter this website.

That’s all a way of saying: on the eve of tomorrow’s playoff game, I dearly want to trash talk Seattle, but I can’t, because no one there wants to trash talk back.

I want to slag off their fans, who are divided between UW alumni yuppies who spend more time at games picking out salmon, craft beer and espressos than watching the actual action, paired with Magnolia trophy wives whose idea of fashion is picking out garishly expensive accessories to nonsensically pair with sexless North Face and Patagonia fleeces, balanced by a pack of mouth breathing meth lab cooks from Pierce and Kitsap counties who make the most backwards LaPlace coonass come off as a Harvard graduate by comparison.

I want to verbally crap on Ivar’s, a paste like sludge that is gastronomically shamed by the humblest cup of gumbo, and indeed the entire foodie culture of the Northwest, which revolves around precociously tiny portions I wouldn’t insult my child with.

I want to flip off a town that had the chance to see Big Freedia and then live tweeted how much they didn’t like her, because WHAT THE HELL SEATTLE? Bow down to Washington? BOW DOWN TO THE QUEEN DIVA.

Speaking of fight songs, apparently Seattle is now using Phish’s Wilson as their fight song because Russell Wilson is a quarterback and… Nope, that’s it. Really? Phish? You know the Meters schooled Phish at Jazzfest, right? Just sayin’. This is a fight song. This is also a fight song. This is the sound of 30,000 hipsters who think two syllables sloshed through a mouth full of Redhook equals rhythm.

I want to diss Pete Carroll, that 9-11 conspiracy-spouting nitwit of a truther.

I’d note that where New Orleans is a city known for friendliness and music, Seattle is known for shitty weather and being proud of its antisocial wankjob citizenry.

I want to point out that even if the 12th man caused an earthquake, BFG, because the Saints have had better attendance than the ‘Hawks since forever.

And I’d like to add that of the two teams, one plays on a home field that has witnessed unimaginable depths of human depravity, suffering and some might argue, true evil, and the other plays in the Superdome.

But that would all be trash talking. And people from Seattle can’t handle trash talking.

Image courtesy of the Saints.

PAGE

    Our Local Publisher Partners

    • The Arts Council of New Orleans
    • WWNO
    • WWOZ
    • PRC
    • NOMA
    • The Historic New Orleans Collection
    • Southern Food
    • Louisiana Endowment for the Humanities
    The Arts Council of New Orleans

    The Arts Council of New Orleans is a private, non-profit organization designated as the City’s official arts agency. The Arts Council serves as one of eight regional distributing agencies for state arts funds and administers available municipal arts grants and the Percent For Art program for the City of New Orleans. The Arts Council works in partnership with the City of New Orleans, community groups, local, state, and national governmental agencies, and other nonprofit arts organizations to meet the arts and cultural needs of the New Orleans community through a diversity of initiatives and services.

    WWNO

    WWNO, the NPR member station for New Orleans, serves southeast Louisiana and parts of southwest Mississippi by broadcasting balanced news, thought provoking analysis, classical music, jazz and other musical styles, intelligent entertainment, and unique local content. We broadcast on 89.9 FM, and KTLN 90.5 FM in the Houma-Thibodaux area as a public service of the University of New Orleans. All of WWNO’s programs, including its growing local news coverage, are available online at WWNO.org.

    WWOZ

    WWOZ 90.7 FM is the New Orleans Jazz and Heritage Station offering listener-supported, volunteer-programmed community radio. WWOZ covers many events live in and around the city and across the United States, and broadcasts live from the famed New Orleans Jazz and Heritage Festival annually. WWOZ’s mission is to be the worldwide voice, archive, and flag-bearer of New Orleans culture and musical heritage.

    PRC

    Preservation Resource Center (PRC) has been preserving, restoring, and revitalizing New Orleans’ historic architecture and neighborhoods since 1974. Throughout its history, PRC has acted as an advocacy agent on a local, regional, and national scale, spreading the word about the city’s rich architectural heritage and the economic importance of preserving this heritage. PRC also takes a hands-on approach to preservation, with a history of successfully restoring over 1,400 properties. The center strengthens and revitalizes New Orleans in a way that is forward-looking and sustainable, yet sensitive to the city’s past and its heritage.

    NOMA

    As a nexus for the arts in New Orleans, NOMA is committed to preserving, interpreting, and enriching its collections and renowned sculpture garden; offering innovative experiences for learning and interpretation; and uniting, inspiring, and engaging diverse communities and cultures.

    The Historic New Orleans Collection

    The Historic New Orleans Collection (THNOC) is a museum, research center, and publisher dedicated to preserving the history and culture of New Orleans and the Gulf South. Its holdings comprise more than one million items from more than three centuries, documenting moments both major and minor. Its four exhibition spaces–the Williams Gallery, the Louisiana History Galleries, the Boyd Cruise Gallery, and the Laura Simon Nelson Galleries for Louisiana Art–faithfully depict the multicultural stories of the region, from permanent displays exploring the evolution of Louisiana to rotating exhibitions showcasing history and fine art.

    Southern Food

    The Southern Food and Beverage Museum is a nonprofit living history organization dedicated to the discovery, understanding and celebration of the food, drink and the related culture of the South. While based in New Orleans, the Museum examines and celebrates all the cultures that have come together through the centuries to create the South’s unique culinary heritage. The Museum is also home to the collections of the Museum of the American Cocktail, the Galerie d’Absinthe, and a demonstration kitchen.

    Louisiana Endowment for the Humanities

    The Louisiana Endowment for the Humanities is a non-profit organization dedicated to providing educational opportunities to all Louisianans.

    The Louisiana Endowment for the Humanities’ mission is to provide all Louisianans with access to and an appreciation of their own rich, shared and diverse historical, literary and cultural heritage through grant-supported outreach programs, family literacy and adult reading initiatives, teacher professional development institutes, publications, film and radio documentaries, museum exhibitions, cultural tourism, public lectures, library projects, and other public humanities programming.

    X

    Thanks.

    was added to your favorites.

    VIEW YOUR PROFILE

     


    Share On Twitter Share On Facebook